apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
