Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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