I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
