I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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