It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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