I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
