If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
