This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
