But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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