tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Drake has all the answers
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
