Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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