I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
