Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
