I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
