I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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