A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
