i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
