Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
She needs sedatives and a leash
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
