Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Randomize
