im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
