he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
