Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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