i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
