You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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