My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
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