I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
