Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
