bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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