shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I want a musical about memes.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
