Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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