It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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