So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
40s are totally the cure
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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