a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
