Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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