fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
