You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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