3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
