I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
