I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
