I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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