its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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