Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
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