life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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