ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
