she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
