party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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