the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Terrible idea I love it
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
