it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
