Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
