Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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