Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize
