Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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