I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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